Make me laugh! -5 points per joke-

dude... thats old XD

(Hey who says old isn't funny^^)


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

XD XD XD XD XD srry i couldnt help but cut in XD

Hey every time you cut in I get another go at this.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree?

1 baby nailed to 10 trees o.O

Thank you for sending me a hardcover copy of your book; I will waste no time reading it.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Owned

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

If you overdo it, i think it hurts cause you get tired of it...

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Having sex burns the same amount of calories as mowing the lawn.

>You're obviously not doing it right.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

While jesus may have preformed many miracles, turning water into wine was not one of them. He made kool-aid, and the people were to drunk to notice.

And thats why i think jesus is black.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

ok...my profile picter is the best thing Ever

I agree there.

Lucky Star... :\

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

not so funny.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."