Chapter 1 - Running Late

Chapter 1

The fog... It's overwhelming... Someone speaks to me... But I can't make out what they are saying... Then a sound begins to ring through the area. It's getting louder, Louder, LOUDER! The sound is unbearable and it feels as though my mind is going to split! Then I begin to fly, not very high but it muffled that irritating noise. Then I come crashing down Striking My!

Tim woke up lying on the floor of his apartment, his head hurt, alarm clock ringing, and a massive shadow towering above him. His heart begins to thud in terror. His vision was still in a haze so he couldn't make out who it was, and then a familiar voice rang through his head.

"Tim get up we're going to be late!" Boomed the voice of his friend Ken. How could I even think I was in danger, Ken wouldn't hurt me if I stepped on his foot. But I’d never try it.
"Tim did you go out drinking again! I told you to stop, especially yesterday." Replied Ken shaking his head in disgust" We have to go to the recruitment office today remember? And it won’t help if you’re hung over..."

Recruitment that's right... With the war going on they've been grabbing younger and younger people... And at 23 I consider that young. I've been regretting this day for awhile now, one for it being a war and I'll most likely die. But from what I've heard I have to lose my hair 1st, what an indignity! At least Ken doesn't have to worry about it... So after getting up and puking half a lung, I started packing a few things before Ken's voice rang in ," Oh and by the way, don't pack anything, they said that all will be provided and anything else isn't worth bringing!" Ken is always watching me, just cause there is a hole between our apartments. So I trashed that idea and instead got myself cleaned up. Of course I didn't take long though because even though Ken was kind and could kick my ass, he was impatient... So all I got to do was brush my blonde hair (which I might add is amazing) and change my clothes before Ken was screaming for me.

"I'm coming dammit! The office isn't going anywhere!" I yelled back even though both of us knew that we were already running late.

When I finally got downstairs and turned in my apartment key I ran up to Ken with a half-hearted smile. He noticed this and in an attempt to cheer me up he said,” You know, the office is only a mile away, want to have a friendly race?"

With his attempt to cheer me up, it worked. My inner competitor sparked inside as I gave a resounding Yes. Even before I got the word out Ken started gunning it down the block, but he should know better then to try and cheat me. I was able to quickly catch up to him and was able to gloat a bit, because we both know that I am the faster runner between us. Heck, I was probably the fastest runner in Chicago and actually ran a pizza place on it once. No pun intended. At this point we were still side by side until the office came into view.

"Hey Ken! See you at the office!" was the last thing I said before I finally gave it my all, running straight into the office doors.


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Tim always had a thing about foot races, was also a cheap way to cheer him up. About the time I saw the office I knew I should just stop, he had his fun, but now it is time for work... As I reached the office doors Tim greeted me with disapproval and a little yelling, but he stopped quickly and we entered the office. It was very dreary, as if they are trying to keep us out. They had their lights dimmed, black leather chairs, and the walls and carpet were a complete mess, giving the place a run down look. We were soon greeted by a secretary, which of course had to comment on Tim's hair, and then proceed into the office. The office now was a different story. It was way too bright with many trophies and pictures around the walls, and the recruiter looked as hick as they could get, aside from the badges.
"So you boys will be signin’ up for us eh? Well I'll just cut this shit short cause I'm tired as fuck, sign this here paper and step into that room. You'll get your tickets for the ship and be sent off within the hour..." He then proceeded to sit down in his leather chair (which looked slightly too tall) and put his feet on the table. So we both signed the papers because we didn't have much of a choice, being that if we didn't we were killed at gun point, and went into the room. All it was, was the room leading to the backdoor and a woman with a stack of tickets. The woman was a sight also as she dressed as if she were going to a funeral. Maybe her husband died...
"Last names please..."
"Mines Maximillian, and my friend’s is Xagon." I replied trying to get out of this place as fast as possible.
"Alright your ships leave in 10 minutes..."
"10 minutes! We only have time to just make it!" I yelled pushing out the back door.
"So my friend do you want another friendly race."
But before I could answer Tim was already half way down the street.
"God dammit Tim wait up! Not everything is a race you know!"



Any critisism, positive or negitive is gladly accepted.

An prologue would be acceptable.

Overall, good work.

Eh, I tried doing a prologue but I never got it to sound right.

Prologues are sorta hard to do when the story starts from the moment the character wakes up, or something. Also, I tend to have had a bad experience with prologues, aka they spoil everything if not done right.

Exactly! Which was also why doing the description was difficult. So I just did a basic view of what was going on and I didn't mention the characters.

WORD COUNT: 945


The fog... It's overwhelming... Someone speaks to me... But I can't make out what they are saying... Then a sound begins to ring through the area. It's getting louder, Louder, LOUDER! The sound is unbearable and it feels as though my mind is going to split! Then I begin to fly, not very high but it muffled that irritating noise. Then I come crashing down Striking My!

"Striking My!", neither of those should be capitals, and, well it doesn't make sense. What's "Striking My!"? striking my floor? Rewrite it to be more clearer. Readers can't read your mind now can they?

Tim woke up lying on the floor of his apartment, his head hurt, alarm clock ringing, and a massive shadow towering above him. His heart begins to thud in terror. His vision was still in a haze so he couldn't make out who it was, and then a familiar voice rang through his head.

You need to stick to ONE point of view, constantly changing will confuse the reader.

"Tim get up we're going to be late!" Boomed the voice of his friend Ken. How could I even think I was in danger, Ken wouldn't hurt me if I stepped on his foot. But I’d never try it. <-- Rewrite that.
"Tim did you go out drinking again! I told you to stop, especially yesterday." Replied Ken shaking his head in disgust" We have to go to the recruitment office today remember? And it won’t help if you’re hung over..."

...Replied Ken shaking his head in disgust, "We have to go to the..."

Recruitment that's right... With the war going on they've been grabbing younger and younger people... And at 23 I consider that young. I've been regretting this day for awhile now, one for it being a war and I'll most likely die. But from what I've heard I have to lose my hair 1st, what an indignity! At least Ken doesn't have to worry about it... So after getting up and puking half a lung, I started packing a few things before Ken's voice rang in ," Oh and by the way, don't pack anything, they said that all will be provided and anything else isn't worth bringing!" Ken is always watching me, just cause there is a hole between our apartments. So I trashed that idea and instead got myself cleaned up. Of course I didn't take long though because even though Ken was kind and could kick my ass, he was impatient... So all I got to do was brush my blonde hair (which I might add is amazing) and change my clothes before Ken was screaming for me.

"I'm coming dammit! The office isn't going anywhere!" I yelled back even though both of us knew that we were already running late.

When I finally got downstairs and turned in my apartment key I ran up to Ken with a half-hearted smile. He noticed this and in an attempt to cheer me up he said,” You know, the office is only a mile away, want to have a friendly race?"

With his attempt to cheer me up, it worked. My inner competitor sparked inside as I gave a resounding Yes. Even before I got the word out Ken started gunning it down the block, but he should know better then to try and cheat me. I was able to quickly catch up to him and was able to gloat a bit, because we both know that I am the faster runner between us. Heck, I was probably the fastest runner in Chicago and actually ran a pizza place on it once. No pun intended. At this point we were still side by side until the office came into view.

"Hey Ken! See you at the office!" was Was the last thing I said before I finally gave it my all, running straight into the office doors.


----------------------------------------

Tim always had a thing about foot races, was also a cheap way to cheer him up. This is 3rd person, keep it out of here.

About the time I saw the office I knew I should just stop, he had his fun, but now it is time for work... As I reached the office doors Tim greeted me with disapproval and a little yelling, but he stopped quickly and we entered the office. It was very dreary, as if they are trying to keep us out. They had their lights dimmed, black leather chairs, and the walls and carpet were a complete mess, giving the place a run down look. We were soon greeted by a secretary, which who of course had to comment on Tim's hair, and then proceed into the office. The office now was a different story. It was way too bright with many trophies and pictures around the walls, and the recruiter looked as hick as they could get, aside from the badges.

"So you boys will be signin’ up for us eh? Well I'll just cut this shit short cause I'm tired as fuck, sign this here paper and step into that room. You'll get your tickets for the ship and be sent off within the hour..." He then proceeded to sit down in his leather chair (which looked slightly too tall) and put his feet on the table. So we both signed the papers because we didn't have much of a choice, being that if we didn't we were killed at gun point, and went into the room. All it was, was the room leading to the backdoor and a woman with a stack of tickets. The woman was a sight also as she dressed as if she were going to a funeral. Maybe her husband died...
"Last names please..."
"Mines Maximillian, and my friend’s is Xagon." I replied trying to get out of this place as fast as possible.
"Alright your ships leave in 10 minutes..."

"10 minutes! We only have time to just make it!" I yelled pushing out the back door.
"So my friend do you want another friendly race." (By the way, That period needs to be a question mark.)
But before I could answer Tim was already half way down the street.
"God dammit Tim wait up! Not everything is a race you know!"

The blue section doesn't make much sense. Tim pushes out of the door, then Ken (?) asks if he wants to race, yet before I (Tim) could answer Tim was halfway down the street? Here's how I would rewrite it:

"10 minutes! We only have time to just make it!" I yelled pushing out the back door, then I called back to Ken, "So my friend do you want another friendly race?"

But before Ken could answer I was already half way down the street.

"God dammit Tim wait up! Not everything is a race you know!" Ken yelled after me.

Nice writing Dragon, even if it's in 1st person. (Which I destest, sure you know that by now. ^^) You asked me to read the first chapter, so I did. I even bothered to critique it for you. xD

By the way, I think a prologue is necessary, because I had no idea what time period this took place in, what the situation of the World (universe? galaxy?) was.

Heres what I would do, considering this story is in first person, write a monologue from Tim's point of view, explaining who he is, how old he was, where he lived, what time period it was. It could be as simple as a journal entry, or letter to faraway friend, who could be included with the plot somehow. Or just Tim randomly talking about himself, as long as it explains the SETTING, which is probably the most important when a reader is just starting a book. Not to mention it's the exposition, where the reader meets the main character, and/or the supporting characters. However, I would limit the prologue to just Tim, unless there is more then one dynamic character, but I imagine that Tim is the only dynamic character, and Ken is a static one.

Excellent work on correcting^^ Many of those stook out to me as a mistake I should have noticed (like the need for a question mark)

Now the reason for the cut off in the beginning was because if you didn't notice, it was a dream, and at this point I want to keep you in the dark about the dream.

But as for explaining the blue part, that is all in Ken's point of view, which is why there was the ---- separating it, but your right, wasn't clear enough. And if you hadn't noticed, Ken is the only one who cared about being late, so Tim wouldn't say that^^

As for the 3rd person beginning, I felt it as an easy way to introduce Tim.

Last, for the prologue, I have a description under the title, that should have brought you into the time period, otherwise I can never seem to write a prologue right as I give away too much info, for example I tried doing a Tim type of monologue, but it never felt right. So I changed it into where you learn about the character through his actions, maybe throw in a fact or 2 when neccessary. Otherwise you learn from reading where they are and such and there is no need for a prologue. But this is all just my opinion^^

Other then that I thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it^^

To make the start more apparent as a cutoff add a hyphen:

Then I come crashing down striking my-! (Exclamation mark optional.)

Still; never change points of views in the middle of a chapter. If you've ever read Eragon or Pendragon, those authors wait till at least one chapter to switch points of views between character. D.J. Machale switches from 1st person to 3rd every couple of chapters, and it flows seamlessly.

Tolkien wrote in a 3rd person omniscient point of view, I think he would change view points of characters in the middle of a chapter a FEW times in a book, but that would be acceptable since his view point was omniscient.

Dan Brown is the same way,

Also: If you don't intend for Ken to be a dynamic character, then don't write from his viewpoint.

I still hold onto my opinion; you need a prologue. xD

Ken may or may not be dynamic, still playing with the story, but I do it from multiple views so you can see how they see a situation instead of sticking in a Pov where the character hates everything><